Pieces of Time
by Thre3
Summary: AU. Beckett is withholding a secret from Castle. After a traffic accident, she finds herself unable to recall any memories from parts of 2011 onward, Will she remember what she needs to or what she wants to? Could it damage or potentially save her relationship? **Caskett (eventually) Pre-wedding Alternate Universe.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N**: **(JUST A HEADS UP) **Hey Everyone, this story is totally out of whack and is something I felt like writing. It has literally been almost a year (roughly 11 months) since I've written fanfiction so cut me a little bit of slack. Of course, constructive criticism is always welcome! It is also a completely different pre wedding alternate universe. THANK YOU!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Castle

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Beckett woke up to the sound of another person. She kept her eyes closed and listened for a few seconds before opening them, just so she could be prepared for what she was about to see.

"Castle?!" she exclaimed, pulling her blanket close to her neck whilst waiting for an explanation as to why he was here, watching her sleep. What seemed to her like an action that required no energy whatsoever, pulling a blanket up to her neck had already been too fast of a move for someone who had just woken up. She sank back down in her bed.

Castle looked up from the magazine he was reading and stared at her. He was almost unable to believe that she'd woken up.

"Kate, oh thank God," he let out a huge sigh of relief.

Dazed and confused, Beckett had no choice but to voice the thoughts that immediately came to her mind.

"What are you doing here?" she looked at her surroundings, "What am _I_ doing here?"

She suddenly felt very uncomfortable in her own skin, she was lying in a hospital bed and she had no idea how she'd gotten there. She took a deep breath and let it out, forcefully. With no memory of receiving any injuries recently, Beckett felt extremely vulnerable and the only person who could fill in the blanks was Castle. She stared at him with suspicion.

"I have no idea what I'm supposed to do at this point, so I'm just gonna go get your doctor," Castle began walking towards the door until Beckett asked him to stop.

"Wait," she said softly, "please just…tell me _something_, I have no idea what I'm doing here and I don't want to wait for my …_doctor,_" she tucked a loose piece of hair behind her ear and looked away from him as he sat back down in the seat next to her bed.

"Well, Kate, you were in an accident. You were on a bus that got hit by a car and I don't know if you noticed but you broke your foot," he smiled awkwardly, "You've been in a coma…well you've been unconscious for 9 days now and Dr Clarkson, your doctor, told us that it would be normal for you to be suffering mild amnesia after the accident," he tried speaking slowly and calmly but everything seemed to spill out of his mouth like he had no control.

She stared at him blankly, not really knowing what to do with this information. Beckett wracked her brain for the last thing she remembers, but everything was fuzzy.

"Do you know where I was going?" she asked, wondering why she'd need to take a bus.

"Actually, you were a little bit mysterious about that. It was just after you'd met me for lunch, you'd told me you had something important to talk to me about but you needed to go do something else first," he shrugged. The sentence was a mouthful for him to say and perhaps too much information for her to take in all at once.

"Why was I meeting you?" she looked around, only asking him the question to fill the silence in the room.

"We were still discussing the guest list for the wedding," he gave a small shrug, wondering how much Kate actually remembered. As he said the word _wedding_, her eyes immediately met his.

_Whose Wedding?! _She thought to herself. She couldn't recall knowing anyone who was engaged, but the way Castle said it, it almost sounded as though he was referring to a wedding of someone close to the both of them. Why would _they_ be discussing the guest list _together_? She blinked a few times, causing Castle to frown.

"You look confused," he blurted out, "I mean of course, you're confused, but what exactly are you confused about?"

"Uh, I just need some time…to process all of this. Maybe you should go find Dr Clarkson," she gently gestured toward the door.

"Hey, you remember her name!" he stood up and smiled.

"No actually you mentioned her earlier," she frowned and tried not to smile.

"Right, sorry. Um, Kate? How much of this information is new to you?" he looked down worriedly. Dare he think maybe Kate doesn't remember their engagement?

She paused for a minute, and looked down at her hands.

"All of it, actually," she said slowly, still trying to avoid eye contact.

Thoughts raced through Castle's mind. How much_ did_ she remember? She remembered him so that was good. But what year did she really think it was? Does she even remember their relationship?!

"Kate, what year is it?" he asked her quickly with a straight face.

"What?" she frowned, "…2011?" she had to think for a minute before answering him. But her answer only seemed to make him angry, he started walking toward the door but before he could make it all the way, she opened her mouth, "Castle!?" she exclaimed, but he kept on walking. She looked for the nearest item she could find that would have a date on it, but didn't see anything.

_Why is he so mad? _She thought to herself. To distract herself from the pain in her foot, she tried her best to remember the day of her accident. She had just left Castle, no memory of that. She had something to do, no memory of what that could've been, but for some reason, she couldn't shake the feeling that she had something important to tell him. It was almost as though she was hiding something from him but she had idea what.

Castle paced quickly through hallways and double doors to find the doctor overseeing Beckett's progress. He found himself becoming frustrated at how large one ward in a hospital could be when he couldn't find the doctor's office. He stopped by a vending machine and softly hit his fist against the wall_. Kate was missing 3 years of her life._ Their entire relationship and almost their friendship was gone in a flash. He sat down and made himself a coffee, remembering how he felt every single day he sat in the chair next to Kate's bed after her accident. He knew she was going to make it through, but his worst fears were that she wouldn't remember anything. They were irrational, but they dominated his thoughts so often. It was 9 days of suffering for him as he watched his fiancé's memories fade away in her unconsciousness. He started slowly walking back to her room when he came across Dr Clarkson.

"Dr Clarkson," he tried to flag her down.

"Mr Castle, I've just left Kate, she's doing great and appears to be in pretty good shape," she smiled at him.

"No, no she's not! She doesn't remember anything past 2011! That's not great!" he found himself raising his eyebrows extremely high.

"Mr Castle-" she was cut off by some insane ramblings.

"You told me that she would have amnesia. Fine, but you said it would be a few weeks or maybe months tops! She's lost almost 3 years!" he put one hand on his forehead to cool himself down.

"I'm sorry, but I can't predict exactly what will happen to each individual patient. Unfortunately Kate lost out a little but don't lose hope, her memory isn't gone forever," she looked at him almost sympathetically, but it was masked with a neutral face that stated this was just her job. It was obvious she came across hysterical people like Castle every single day and it was definitely not out of the ordinary.

"So I just need to sit back helplessly and watch Kate figure everything out on her own," he said softly, unsure as to whether or not he meant it as a statement or a question.

"Well it would be a great help to Kate if you showed your support by bringing some things to help her remember. Photos, music, sometimes even food can trigger memories," Dr Clarkson nodded with a smile and politely excused herself.

He took a deep breath and made his way back to Kate's room. When he got there, she was sitting up straight, and looked much calmer than when he'd left. Jim Beckett was sitting in the seat Castle had left.

He greeted his future son-in-law with a smile. "I called your friend Lanie and told her to pass on the message about Katie," he smiled and squeezed his daughters hand.

Kate swallowed and looked at Castle.

"I'll give you guys some time," he said, and stepped back out of the room.

Castle sat in his office as soon as he got home from the hospital. He was uneasy after realising he'd have to start all over again with Kate. What took him 5 years could not take him another 5 years. He needed to get as many things together to help his fiancé that _she was his fiancé._

At this same moment, Kate was discussing the past 3 years with her best friend, who was explaining everything she'd missed, leaving out the details of one Richard Castle's relationship with her. Her Dad had left the two ladies to talk things over, and said he'd visit again tomorrow.

"Lanie, I get that you want him to tell me everything himself-"

"Actually, I want you to remember everything yourself, but yes, continue," she interrupted Beckett without any hesitation.

"You've got to give me something to go on here. I don't know where we stand on anything. The last significant thing I remember was a magician…I mean, what about Gina?" Kate asked, referring to the struggle Castle had with his ex-wife Gina. She brought a hand up to her temple in worry. Lanie merely raised her eyebrows.

"Girl, he's got a lot of explaining to do and I do not want to be held responsible for any misinterpretation," she said lightly as to try and put Kate at ease. She smiled, and Beckett merely smirked.

Beckett took a deep breath, desperately wanting to ask Lanie who was getting married soon. But she was afraid of the answer. The best thing she could do now was focus on whatever it was she was doing in the minutes before her accident. But thinking about that only gave her the uneasy feeling that she was hiding something, not only from Castle but everybody she cared about.

Castle walked into the hospital room bearing a large box filled with items he thought may help Kate remember everything. She sat up suddenly and looked at him with a piercing stare that caused him to stop in his tracks.

"I have to tell you something," she frowned as the words came out her mouth.

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**A/N**: Do I continue? Do I discontinue?

Thanks for reading! I know I'm a little rusty on my writing skills after 11 months of not writing. (WOW)

I realise this story doesn't make a lot of sense right now but there will be Caskett eventually, of course. xo


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N**: Thanks so much for the reviews, faves &amp; alerts, I totally wasn't excepting that kind of response! I hope you guys like this chapter too.

**Disclaimer**: I don't actually know if I need to put a disclaimer at the beginning of every chapter but anyway, I don't own Castle.

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With Kate's memory loss, it was almost like going back to beginning and losing everything they'd worked for. She didn't feel comfortable in her own skin and he didn't feel like she loved him. He knew she did, somewhere deep down but, it wasn't the same. She wasn't the same. He didn't think she ever would be and that was something they had to work through together.

_Castle walked into the hospital room bearing a large box filled with items he thought may help Kate remember everything. She sat up suddenly and looked at him with a piercing stare that caused him to stop in his tracks. _

"_I have to tell you something," she frowned as the words came out her mouth. _

A million thoughts were running through his mind. He had no idea what she was going to say and it scared him. Had she suddenly remembered everything? Had Lanie triggered something?

"What? What is it?" he quickly responded. She bit her lip.

"I…" she said slowly and quietly, "I'm sorry," she finally said.

"What's wrong? Did something happen?" he swiftly moved closer to her and Lanie frowned in worry.

"No," she said flatly, "It's just that I don't remember what I actually need to tell you but I do remember _something_," she said with confusion.

"Honey, that's great!" Lanie said happily.

"Not exactly," Beckett simpered.

"What do you remember?" Castle asked impatiently.

"A feeling," she replied almost angrily at how ridiculous it sounded.

"A feeling?" Lanie repeated.

"Yeah, I suddenly remember how I felt right before my accident. I was trying to focus on remembering the accident itself, but all I got was a feeling," she shrugged with disappointment.

"A feeling like an emotion? Or a feeling like a presence? A feeling like you're surroundings?" Castle blinked rapidly, trying to figure out what was going on in Kate's mind.

"An emotion. I think. Like anticipation about where I was going or who I was going to see or maybe even_ what_ I was going to see," her eyes widened.

"This is all very confusing," Lanie shook her head, "I'm gonna leave you two alone and get back to work. Castle I'll text you when the boys are coming in okay?"

Kate merely nodded at her friend with a small smile as she watched Lanie walk out the door.

Kate swallowed the lump she felt in her throat before opening her mouth to speak.

"Lanie told me about Josh and about…a lot of things," she shrugged waiting for a reaction.

"Okay," he gave her a small smile.

"What's in the box?" she said as she glanced at the large box in Castle's hands. He walked around to the other side of the bed and sat where Lanie had been sitting.

"Well, quite a few odds and ends from over the years," he said with a gentle smile as he lifted the lid of the box off.

Kate peered inside the box and picked up a stack of photos. She flipped through each photo individually. They appeared to be form some kind of party, she saw all of their mutual friends and family, smiling and laughing. Plus a few extra people she didn't recognise. They were all standing in an apartment she didn't recognise as well.

Then she came across a photo of herself standing next to Castle. Her hair was pulled back into a neat bun and she was wearing a beautiful black dress. Castle was on crutches. As she continued flipping through the photos, they became more and more intimate. She'd see photos of herself sitting with Castle, laughing with him. Nothing was out of the ordinary, but it still somehow looked different. Like they were both happy with just each other's company and nothing or no one else.

"That's from my birthday party," Castle interrupted her thoughts. She inhaled quickly, as he startled her.

"Oh? When was that?" she looked him in the eye.

"2013, so last year," he said as he took one of the photos from her hands and smiled at the happy memory, "You threw me a surprise party. Faked a murder and everything. It was the sweetest gift I'd ever gotten."

"Faked a murder?" she frowned at how he said that like it was a normal birthday activity.

"See we weren't supposed to be in New York. But I broke my leg and I was practically on house arrest and to cheer me up, you leased out the apartment across the way from my loft. You and my mother planned this whole murder and I witnessed it. You did it because I was bored. You did it because…" he trailed off.

"I'm glad I could make you so happy," she filled the silence and gently put her hand closer to his, almost reaching to hold it. He moved his closer to hers and leaned in physically.

"I don't think I ever really properly thanked you for everything you did for me. Not just the birthday party but everything… You were there for me in more ways than you ever realised," he visibly swallowed, as though preparing to say something else.

She narrowed her eyes at him, slightly concerned about how she should respond to the next thing that came out of his mouth.

"And now, it's almost like it's too late. Even if I do thank you, it's not the same. It's like we've lost something we can't get back," he said slowly.

"I don't think it's too late," she said confidently. This time she did reach for his hand, and held it. He blinked at her.

"Thank you," he said.

"Always," she made eye contact briefly and then quickly looked away. It was a strange feeling that took over body then. He was thanking her for things she didn't remember, but she knew she should have been thanking him for the support and patience he's showing her right now. Everything he'd done since she woke up.

"Are you hungry?" he asked. She laughed at his sudden change of tone.

"Uh, yeah actually I am but…" she made a face of disgust, indicating how she felt about the food she'd received so far.

"Maybe I can get you a hot drink?" he raised his eyebrows, "Or maybe even a drink from the fridge if you prefer something cooler," he shrugged.

"From the fridge?" she tilted her head to one side, as though the concept was familiar in some way. But then shrugged it off as nothing.

"Are you allowed to actually get out of bed?" he asked.

"Yes I am, but I have to be careful on my foot because of the boot," she gestured to her foot.

"Here, let me help you," he held his arm out for her to hold as she slowly stepped off her bed.

"I think I might make myself some coffee. Do they have real coffee machines here or are they those crazy vending machines that make everything taste like sludge?" she said as she limped to the elevator.

"Sludge City unfortunately," he said flatly.

"Lovely," she murmured.

He walked her to the elevator and hit the button for ground floor. Neither of them were looking forward to even seeing what their options were.

"Why are you so quiet?" she asked suddenly.

"I'm not, I'm just distracted," he shrugged, her arm still linked in with his, using him to keep her balance.

"Oh okay," she nodded as though she wouldn't bring it up again, "by what?"

He smirked and stayed silent for a moment, giving her reason to stare at him even though he wasn't looking at her.

"I feel like I've lost something," he said.

She looked away from him and around the elevator as the doors opened, her arm flinching a little as they stepped out together. She didn't say anything until they arrived at their desired destination.

The two stood in front of the only food available to them at the hospital.

"Castle," Beckett said.

"Yeah?"

"Please don't make me eat that," she said with a worried expression on her face, trying to make him forget what he'd said earlier.

"I don't wanna make you eat anything you don't want to, but you have to eat_ something,_" he replied softly. She looked at him and furrowed her eyebrows a little.

"You sound…worried," she said with confusion. He bit the inside of his cheek and sighed.

"I am," he said after a pause, "I mean of course I am. You're a patient, in a hospital."

"As oppose to being a patient _out_ of a hospital?" she laughed.

"Kate, that doesn't even make sense," he said with a serious tone, not taking his eyes away from the site of the awful food.

"Yeah I…" she trailed off, "I'm sorry. What's wrong? It's not a big deal, I'll eat it, I mean I'm not gonna starve myself," she frowned at him but he still wasn't looking at her. She wanted to ignore what he'd said in the elevator.

"That doesn't make me any less worried," he said softly. She forced him to turn at look at her finally.

She stared into his vacant eyes. He looked like a boy who'd lost something he could never get back no matter how hard he tried.

"You haven't lost me Rick," she said.

She slid her right arm underneath his and around his back, waiting a few seconds before doing the same thing with her left arm, tightly but gently pulling him into a warm hug, resting her head on his chest. She closed her eyes as he reciprocated the gesture, tightly but gently wrapping his arms around her back. Neither of them said anything further, they both felt as though they didn't need to. She slowly pulled herself out of the hug just far enough to look at his face. He brought his hands up to her face, holding her head in his hands.

Slowly, their lips met in the middle and it was first thing that didn't seem wrong or unfamiliar to Kate.

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**A/N**: This chapter took a lot out of me because life has been keeping me busy/tired.

Thanks for reading! xo


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N**: Most of this chapter was written on the 20th October and was not finished until now. Just a warning/**apology** in case some things don't flow smoothly.

**Disclaimer**: Castle is not mine, hope you enjoy!

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She thought about what had just happened. It had felt good. It had felt right. She felt…safe.

Kate lay back in her bed waiting for Castle to come back to the hospital with some edible food. She sighed, thinking about their kiss. Thinking about how she would've felt before the accident. Judging by that kiss, she must've been happy. Though she still couldn't remember, she could only imagine.

She wondered what their relationship was like, because this concept was somewhat new to her, given that she couldn't remember much past the Zalman Drake case. She stared up at the roof of the hospital thinking about the wedding they had been planning together.

Their wedding.

Lanie had informed Kate that she was engaged to Rick and instead of feeling completely rattled by this information, Kate felt that it was coming, she almost expected this. Maybe not marriage, but _something_ was always there between them. The whole world knew, it would've been obvious to a blind man selling pencils.

They were happy. Or at least she hoped they were. They weren't now, but they could be again. It'd never be the same though.

Marrying Richard Castle? She couldn't. She barely remembered their relationship, all those moments. What she had with him was gone, but what he had with her will always be there for him.

Maybe they could experience those moments again. Would it be so bad to start from the beginning? Not if it meant experiencing that happiness again, like it was the first time happening. If everything was like that kiss, how bad could anything be? Kate smiled at the thought.

But _marriage? _

Thinking of the wedding again made her nervous. The kiss, though it was amazing, it was still a little fast for her, almost too sudden. But she didn't regret anything. Kate knew she needed time to think. All of these thoughts were rushing through her head and giving her completely mixed emotions. Nothing was making sense. She needed to focus on her memory and whatever it was she was hiding from everybody.

"Kate!" Castle hollered from the door. Suddenly hearing his voice calling out to her made Kate remember something briefly. Castle tackling her to the ground, leaning above her. But as quickly as the memory appeared, it disappeared and she couldn't recall anything else. She blinked her eyes long and hard.

"Hey…Castle…" she said slowly. He looked much happier than he usually does when he walks in. Almost like an afterglow from the kiss.

"Everything alright? You seem a little more daydream-y than you should," Castle raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah, I don't know I think I… remembered something. I have no idea when it happened or where I was or anything," she frowned in annoyance and disappointment.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" he asked without looking up at her, he was too busy setting up food for Kate to eat.

"Right now we do need to talk…but about something else," she said as she gently placed her hand on his forearm to try and subtly pull him away from the food.

He looked at her finally and sat down.

"I…" she couldn't bring herself to say it quickly even though she wanted to.

He patiently waited, even though he could almost guess what she was about to say. After all, this had happened before.

"I need some time," she finished quietly.

There it was. The phrase and words Castle had been dreading since Kate had woken from her coma. The phase in their relationship where things changed. It was the moment that wounded their relationship in the past and he was reliving it all over again. How would he respond to it this time? What if history was really repeating itself? He refused to not see Kate for nearly three months.

"I want to be with you and I want to have everything we had before but I'm just not…" she trailed off but he knew what she was trying to say.

"Kate I wasn't going to ask you to marry me right here, right now," he said sympathetically.

"No, I… I know, I think. I'm sorry, I just need to get used to this," she said, gesturing and forth between them, "I feel like I want this but I'm not ready for-"

"Everything else," he interrupted, finishing her sentence.

"It's not because of you." She quickly continued, "Well it is, but not in the way you might think," she shrugged.

"Kate, I wasn't going to ask you to marry me right here, right now," he smirked.

"Yeah… I know. But I needed to say this."

"So... Are you still in this thing we have going on?" he asked quietly.

"_We're_ in this, together," she concluded with a nod.

Castle physically sighed.

"But there is something else I have to say," she pursed her lips as she thought of how to word what was on her mind, "last night I had a really strange dream. I was with this boy and I wanted to help him and get to know him but his father was…" she trailed off, thinking about the dream.

"A little boy and his father?" Castle frowned, he had no idea where she was going with this.

"It felt a little too real Castle," she said worriedly.

"So it could be a memory?" he tilted his head to one side.

"I was hoping you could help me with that. How many little boys do I know?"

He raised one eyebrow at her, "Just one."

"Great, who is he?" she asked eagerly.

"Kate I was referring to myself, sorry. I really don't know of any little boys or…_fathers_ of little boys in your life right now," he shook his head in disappointment.

"How can it be a memory if you don't know what I'm talking about?" Beckett was starting to sound frustrated.

"You know how, Kate. You were on a bus, when you got into an accident. I don't know where you were going or what you were doing. I don't know why _any_ of this is happening," he did his best to stay calm while he was speaking to her, to try and avoid fighting.

Beckett took a deep breath. She felt a pang of guilt, thinking about how much she'd hidden from her loved ones. She looked away from him and frowned to herself.

"Why would I do this?" she said suddenly, "Why would I keep this from you? It must have been important to me, right? Why wouldn't I tell anyone about it?" she was verbalising her frustrations more loudly now, getting angrier and angrier at herself for things she had no memory of.

Beckett held her face in her hands and Castle felt completely helpless.

"I don't want to be here anymore Castle. I want to get back to work, I want to be…me again," she struggled on the words.

"I'm sorry," he said.

He didn't know how to help her through. Feeling the sudden urge to take his anger and hurt out on someone, Castle decided to do them both a favour and change the topic.

"Just think about seeing Gates again," he said with a small chuckle, hoping to lighten the mood.

"Gates?"

Castle's eyes widened. He'd almost forgotten just how much of her life was missing from Kate's memory. Maybe Lanie hadn't filled her in on _everything_.

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**A/N**: Thoughts?

I'm not entirely happy with it because I'm still stuck in exam/assignment mode from Uni. Thanks for reading.


	4. Chapter 4

**AUTHOR's NOTE: So it's been a really long time since I've posted any fanfiction because some rather big life events got in the way BUT that doesn't mean I've stopped writing! Kind of.  
I've had this chapter written for the longest time. But only recently finished it. I contemplated not posting it all because it's been so long and may not fit well with the story but upon going through the reviews, messages and encouragement I received from this story, I'm posting this chapter. Many assumptions have been made about this story and no one has correctly figured out where this story is going. ****No, Beckett is not pregnant****. Sorry! I was hoping I wouldn't have to write that in an author's note and instead just let the story flow, but who am I kidding? It's been months and I still get the occasional message telling me to do research on pregnancy! LOL Thanks for the advice anyway (no sarcasm intended) and thanks for all the messages and reviews (Positive and Negative).  
If you're still reading this story (and you first started reading it when it was FIRST published) then THANK YOU! I may or may not continue this story after posting this chapter so if I don't, I hope it was at least slightly enjoyable! **

**Disclaimer**: I do not own anything from Castle.

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It was hard for him to understand anything that Beckett was going through. Essentially, it was completely impossible. He'd never suffered those kinds of wounds before. Physically, mentally and emotionally. He couldn't begin to imagine what it must be like inside her head. It didn't appear as though she was dealing with it either. All the time they had spent together since her accident was…off. There was no better way of putting it. It just didn't seem right.

Kate found herself thinking about an unexplainable dream she'd had about a father and his son. She had no memory of anyone with a son, let alone a male specifically. She frequently began thinking about how lucky she was to have only lost a few years of her life. There was always something worse than what she experienced. However, it was still a frustrating experience. Everything she'd been through already with the accident, she could handle, but then she woke up from her coma and everything was different.

"Lanie didn't mention Captain Gates?" Castle said as cautiously as possible. He was completely unsure of how to tackle the situation, which is very possibly the reason Lanie might have avoided it. How do you explain to someone the death of their Captain and friend? How do you explain a shooting at a funeral?

She stared at him for a few minutes before speaking again. Another event to add to the list of things in her own life she had no recollection of. The death of Roy Montgomery. She searched as far back as possible in her mind for something, anything that could trigger some small memory of Captain Montgomery just before he passed away.

"Right," she said slowly, nodding her head slightly, "_Captain_ Gates," the words almost came out as an exasperated sigh. She looked down at her fingers and tried to hold back tears. She slowly brought her hand to her chest to feel the wound on her chest from the day of Captain Montgomery's funeral. It was all so much to take in all at once from one person. Her head panged with pain a little and her chest hurt with sadness. What she wanted most right at that moment was to get out of her own head. Was she really as strong of a person as everyone thought she was? She was doubtful.

"Kate, saying that you've been through a lot is the understatement of the year. So, I'm not going to pressure you into talking if you don't want to. I'm going to change the subject right….now," Castle looked at his watch briefly and then back at Kate to see how she'd respond. The last thing he wanted to do was upset her further.

"I'm fine," she furrowed her brow slightly and visibly swallowed. When in doubt, fake it until you make it. No one knew what was inside her head, except her.

"No one can understand the pain you're experiencing. I don't know how I can help you, I wish there was something more I could do for you. I know you have to just let everything sink and everything you've been told might not actually be _everything_," Castle blinked slowly without taking his eyes off Beckett.

That was exactly what frustrated Kate the most. She needed to have several other people fill her in on her life journey and experiences. Was all the things she'd been told, _really_ everything that had happened in the past few years?

"You wanna know what you can do for me Castle?" Kate turned to face her partner with a solemn expression on her face.

"Yes, I'll do almost anything."

"You can help me investigate," she said as a small smile crept up onto her face.

Castle raised his eyebrows at her in response.

The only way she felt she could get out of her own head was to get somebody else in it. She wanted to mask everything she was feeling by losing herself in what felt like her work. Losing herself in an investigation with the one man's company she supposedly never got sick of, Richard Castle.

. . . . . . . . . . .

It was almost as though Castle's presence was a beautiful distraction to Kate from the mess she'd woken up to. She was taking baby steps to remembering her life and though it was unpleasant in parts, there were also those moments she'd wish to never forget again.

"Hmm, why don't we try a little meditation?" Castle put his novel down and turned to Beckett. They had been sitting and reading together in silence for half almost an hour.

"Excuse me?" she said, staring at him with a look of disbelief in her eyes.

"Just start off by clearing your mind and breathing at even pace," he replied in a soothing voice.

"Meditation? Castle, really?" she said cynically, completely ignoring what he'd asked her to do.

"It's just a way of clearing your mind and being more open to the flow of memories. Mind exercises," he shrugged and raised one eyebrow.

She stared at him blankly for a couple seconds before speaking. "You literally just made that up, didn't you?"

"Just close your eyes please," he said in the same soothing voice.

"How about I just silently listen to you talk? That's clearly where this is going Castle," she smiled.

"Yes, good. Thank you," he held back a laugh. "Now…. Close your eyes."

"I'm not meditating Castle."

"Well, you never used to until recently," he widened his eyes at her.

"I meditate!?" she frowned and observed his cheeky smile, "Nice try," she said as she rolled her eyes. Hesitantly, she closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

"Oka-ay. Just picture what I'm saying. Visual the words that come out of my mouth…" he trailed off and closed his eyes.

Resisting the urge to burst out into a fit of laughter, Beckett obliged as Castle opened his eyes and saw the small smile on her face.

"Now think of your life as a see-saw. It has its ups and downs, just like a see-saw," he said, closing his eyes again.

Beckett raised one eyebrow as she began sifting through memories of life's ups and downs, soon realising she couldn't remember many of life's "ups" due to recent events. Her eyes snapped open in frustration.

"Castle, is life supposed to consist of multiple "downs" before you see another "up"?" she said quietly.

He opened his mouth to speak but she didn't let him.

"Oh wait, my life did have an "up" recently. My big screw-_up_!" she sighed.

"What are you talking about?" he asked quickly, as to avoid being cut off again.

"I screwed everything up Castle! This situation right here is totally my fault! My secrecy has now stopped us from moving forward. How can you be so understanding? I was hiding something from everyone who's important to me! My friends, my Dad… you! But you don't seem to care _at all,_" she said as she looked out the window.

"I trust you," he responded calmly after a minute of silence between the two of them, "I know you Kate. I know that you would've kept that from me for a reason. A good reason. I believe that."

She looked him straight in the eye, "I don't." she said.

He looked down in sympathy.

"I don't know me! I don't this Kate Beckett. The one who's accomplished so much with her mother's case. The one who was once an FBI agent," Kate slowed down and briefly looked away before continuing, "The one who finally figured things out with you, with us. The one who stopped being afraid and got what she deserved. Why would anyone screw that up?"

He blinked not knowing how to respond.

"Kate, I'm sorry. I want to be able to reassure you and make things better," he spoke slowly, "but I can't. So I'm just going to be honest with you."

She looked at him with a slightly worried expression, waiting for him to speak of some horrible truth. What would he say? That he was tired of her complaining? Tired of her altogether? That this screw-up was too big to fix?

"You've been in this room way to long," he said casually, "when are you okay to come home?"

"Go home? With you?" she said.

"If you think I'm letting you live alone in your apartment then your head injury is much worse than they thought," he stood up and looked at Kate's chart at the end of the bed, pretending he knew how to read it.

"But…" she pursed her lips, unable to find a valid argument. Things seemed to be moving so fast for her. She sat silent for a moment, thinking about living with Richard Castle. How else would she get her life back on track, if she rejected what would've been normal before the accident.

"Your home or mine?" she said with a smirk.

He shot her a cheeky smile.

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**A/N**: Is the continuation of this story to be or not to be? That is the question. ;)

Thanks for reading!


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N**:** Thanks so much for the responses to my last chapter! I'm definitely continuing this story, hopefully it doesn't take me another year. [I wish I was kidding about that :) :S] The actual show right now is pretty sad on the Caskett front, so hopefully writing this makes me and even a few of you feel better! **

**Disclaimer**: I do not own anything from Castle

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Beckett carefully examined her hands in her lap, trying to avoid looking at her surroundings too much. She was too afraid of what she might find. When she walked into Castle's loft, the air seemed different to her, considering she couldn't remember the last time she was there. Almost immediately, a framed photo of herself with Castle caught her eye. She was wearing a blue shirt and smiling. Noting how happy she appeared in the photo, Beckett headed towards the couch, looking only at the floor as she went, to dodge seeing anything else that would make her feel more guilty about jeopardizing her relationship with him.

Her thoughts were interrupted by Castle's footsteps as he came out of his bedroom.

"So you ready to settle in to your new home?" he asked with a smile.

"As long as it isn't a hospital, I am more than ready," she joked looking at him straight in the eye. She always trying to remain light hearted with everything, constantly trying to escape her feelings of guilt.

"Well, right this way," he held his hand out, gesturing to where he wanted her to walk.

"Just one thing," she quickly said as she turned around, startling Castle, "Where… Where are you gonna sleep?" she asked slowly, as though she might somehow offend him.

"Heh, Beckett, relax. I'll be around. I know how you just can't bear to be away from me for too long," he said, hoping to put a smile on her face and put her at ease, "I understand living here and sleeping here is totally unfamiliar to you. So if you're ever uncomfortable with anything…" he trailed off, not knowing if he'd already said too much or if he hadn't said enough.

"Well, I mean, it's not _totally_ unfamiliar," she said, causing him to immediately look at her in surprise and confusion.

"You remember something?" he asked softly.

"Maybe," she practically whispered, worried about getting his hopes up for no reason, "Uh, I don't know why, but for some reason," she spoke slowly and brought her hand to her forehead, "when I walked in here, I just thought of a lion. I got a weird feeling. You know what, I'm sorry, it's probably nothing. Sorry," she spoke quickly, trying to dismiss everything she'd just said.

"A lion," he repeated after a long pause.

She raised one eyebrow at him.

"What about the lion? What did you remember?"

"Well, I'm not sure. I just – I think I was just freaked out by something in here," she shrugged.

"You were freaked out by a lion!" he almost yelled.

"What?" she said with confusion.

"I used to have some lion wall art in here and it freaked you out Kate," he said with a smile, "You remember that?"

"Well… no. I don't remember the wall art. All I remember is this lion just glaring at me," she widened her eyes slightly.

"You remember Linus! This is so great!" Castle said with a wide smile.

"Linus the Lion Castle? Really?" Beckett frowned.

"Judge me all you want, I don't care! I'm just happy you're remembering something," he moved closer to her, holding eye contact.

"Sorry it's not… something more worthwhile," she said slowly and quietly, breaking eye contact so he wouldn't see the guilt on her face.

"Kate please don't downplay this. I-I feel like I just… need a win. I know how selfish that sounds, but you have to understand… I lost you Kate. I want you back and this small memory that doesn't mean much to you right now, it means a win for me. It means I can get you back. It's a tiny piece in an enormous puzzle that I'm never going to give up on, no matter how pieces of the puzzle we might _misplace_ along the way."

She gave him a small half smile, wishing she could give him what he wanted and once again wishing she hadn't gotten herself in this situation to begin with.

"You didn't lose me Castle. You never will, no matter how far I stray."

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The next morning, Castle awoke to the dizzying aroma of fresh waffles. He stood up from the couch and stretched, feeling knots in his back from the small space he was limited to on the couch.

"Morning," he heard a voice coming from the kitchen that instantly put a smile on his face. For that one second, things felt normal. Beckett was cooking breakfast for Castle in his loft, there was no accident, no injuries and no memory loss. But just as quickly as that feeling came to Castle, it left and he back in reality.

"Hey," he said softly, "You made waffles?"

"Well I wasn't really sure of what to make you and I didn't really know my way around the kitchen and oh, when were you gonna tell me you'd be sleeping on the couch?" she put one hand on her hip.

"It's no big deal, I just wanted to be there in case you got anxious or something," he waved his hand at her dismissively.

"Castle, if I'd known I was imposing, I would have slept on the couch. I can't let you be uncomfortable in your own home! I mean, look, you've already hurt your back!"

"Well what do you suggest?" he rolled his eyes.

"If there isn't any alternative then you should be sleeping in your own bed… with me. I'm gonna be honest with you, I don't fancy sleeping on that couch," she pointed a butter knife at the couch area.

"With you? You don't think that's… moving too fast?" he narrowed his eyes at her.

She visibly swallowed and bit the inside of her cheek, "there's plenty of room in the bed for two without either one of us having to come in contact with each other so really, I don't think we're moving at all. I just think you deserve a good night's sleep."

"Come on Beckett," he smiled, "I know what this is really about. It's okay, just admit it. You want to spoon me. You want to be the big spoon for a change?"

Beckett couldn't hide the smile that crept up on her face, "Listen wiseass, I'm offering you half the bed, take it or leave it."

He gave a confused expression, suddenly feeling as though she was keeping something from him. She had quickly gone from partially remembering Linus to now wanting Castle to sleep in the same bed as her.

"Is everything okay?" he asked.

"Yeah," she gave a quick nod, looking away immediately. She hoped he hadn't seen her blush when he'd given her a cheeky smile.

Castle wondered if it was possible that Kate was remembering more than she was letting on and judging by her body language, he concluded that yes, it was possible.

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**A/N**: This chapter has been in the works for a while but I still feel like it is rushed, so I apologize if the flow is awful! I'm hoping to kick off the next chapter with something happy and Casketty!

Thanks for reading!


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N**: **Wow it's been a while since I've updated this story! So long in fact that Castle has gone extinct. I have no interest in abruptly ending this story simply because the show is over. So as long as you want to keep reading, I'm going to keep writing and keeping Castle alive in my heart! Hit me up with a review (if you like – no pressure ;)) HOPE YOU ENJOY! **

**Disclaimer: Castle is not mine. **

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She could feel the warmth of his breath on her neck as he pulled her closer to him.

"You… I just want you," she said confidently. It felt so nice to be in the warmth and safety of his arms, she hugged him tighter and closed her eyes, wishing they could both stay like this forever. But she opened them again, she was standing at his front door, directly in front of him, no longer hugging him. He was holding the door open.

He looked her dead in the eye and said, "Beckett, what do you want?"

She walked in without thinking twice and grabbed his face with both hands. She kissed him and everything seemed right again. It felt real and familiar to her, like it was meant to happen this way.

He pulled away slightly and looked at her.

"I'm sorry," she breathed, "I almost died and all I could think about was you."

He didn't know how to respond. He only stared.

"I just want you," she said again and her world seemed to erupt around her as a feeling of utter relief washed over her.

She closed her eyes and could feel his strength as he pushed her up against the door, but when she opened them, she wasn't against the door. Instead she was on the floor or half of her was anyway. Her bottom half was still on the bed. She'd rolled over and off the bed in her sleep and everything that had happened was only a dream. A rather vivid to say the least.

Beckett slowly brought her legs down to the floor and stood up. She walked out to the living room to find Castle sleeping on his couch.

"Oh God," she muttered to herself. As she made her way to the kitchen, Beckett kept her eyes on Castle, who looked like he hadn't slept well all night.

She quietly rummaged through the kitchen, not entirely sure what she was looking for until she found a waffle iron.

"Of all things, at least you remember how to make waffle batter," she said to herself as she prepared breakfast for Castle.

As everything cooked, Beckett waited and thought back to her dream – if that really is all it was. Everything had seemed so real. New feelings were arising, feelings she didn't have before. Feelings for Castle. She brought her fingers to her lips and couldn't shake the feeling she got when he'd kissed her. It hadn't felt wrong to her at all.

But she was brought back to reality by the sound of the waffle iron sizzling and almost burning breakfast. She quickly lifted the lid and put the waffles on a plate. She saw Castle shuffling around on the couch and waking up.

"Morning," she said with a smile. He instantly smiled back and lingered there for a second, almost as though he was lost.

"Hey," he said once he'd come back to reality, "you made waffles?"

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"So, Detective Beckett. How did you sleep?" Castle said loudly with flourish.

"Castle what are you doing?" she asked with a frown, in reference to his unnecessary volume.

"Some casual after breakfast chit chat. Wait no, after Beckett-fast chit chat!" he half yelled.

"Beckett-fast? Is that supposed to be a play on words? It didn't work very well," she held back a laugh.

"Please, just answer the question Detective."

"Um, well actually I had a really strange dream last night," Beckett regretted the words immediately as they came out of her mouth.

"Oh do tell. I am widely recognised as the dream analyst. I tell only the truth from I see and understand in your dreams," Castle slowly shut his eyes for dramatic effect.

"I'm guessing this is another self-proclaimed title, but okay…" Beckett took a deep breath before continuing, "Well for starters, to answer your previous question, I slept well but I woke up on the floor this morning."

"You can't even stay on a bed by yourself and you wanna add me into that equation?!" Castle seemed genuinely confused, thinking back to when Beckett suggested they sleep in the same bed.

"Okay well I rolled over_ because_ of my dream. I was at the loft, it was late and raining and I think you were mad at me or something," she tried to speak casually and shrug everything off as though it didn't matter, so it wouldn't show up on her face that she thought it did matter.

"Go on," Castle brought his hands together in front of him and intertwined his fingers.

"You answered the door and asked what I wanted. I said…" she paused and looked Castle in the eye before continuing, "you. I just want you."

He looked away from her and frowned slightly, but before he could say anything, Beckett continued.

"And then we kissed and we…" she made a certain face at Castle, hoping he would understand what she meant, "well we didn't. We almost did, but that's when I fell off the bed and woke up," she tightened her lips and waited for him to respond.

He didn't. She tried to fill the awkward silence.

"I just wanted to know what you thought of that. I mean we don't even have to talk about this right now," she said quickly. Just as she was about to stand up and leave, Castle spoke.

"Kate that's not just a dream. It… It was part of a memory," he spoke slowly and softly, reliving the moments in his mind.

Beckett relaxed her shoulders and slumped back in her chair.

"That was the first night we…" he trailed off, "got together, I suppose."

They both let out a long sigh.

"So what now?" she said, breaking the silence.

"What do you mean?" he looked at her with a furrowed brow.

"Well I remember that Castle. I can't just ignore that memory and-" she stopped herself before she said something she might regret.

"And what?"

"And…these feelings."

"Kate," he said. She looked at him, vulnerability in her eyes, "We can't just pick up where we left off because you remember one thing."

"Little harsh," she said softly.

"We can't ignore your accident and the fact that you were hiding something from everyone who matters. What about that little boy? The father of that little boy? The whole reason we're in this mess?"

"Why can't we!? If going after that has gotten me into this mess then maybe I should just quit while I'm ahead and leave it alone! I lost myself in my mother's murder, I can't lose myself in this too Castle," she raised her voice and spoke quickly, standing up from her chair.

"You won't. You have me!" he began raising his voice too, competing with hers.

"A fact I conveniently ignored when I hid this secret from you," she was close to tears now, "Why can't I forget that? Why can't I focus on remembering you and remembering us and how great we had it?"

Beckett fell back into her chair and dropped her head into her hands. Castle moved closer to her and lifted her head with his hands, looking into her eyes.

"I love you," she whispered.

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**A/N: I wanted this chapter to be more Caskett central because Caskett makes me happy. So the next chapters will focus more on Beckett's secret if you stick around for that! Thanks for reading! **


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Castle

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"Whoa. What!?" Castle backed up and frowned at Beckett. Her eyes widened and she looked towards the floor.

"I don't know," she said slowly.

"You love me? You have one intimate dream memory thing and now you love me?" he turned his head to the side like a confused puppy.

"That sort of just came out…" Beckett resisted the urge to scratch her head with her index finger out of sheer confusion, "I don't think I meant it."

"Well, that's always nice to hear!" he said in feigned sadness.

"Castle, come on," she half chuckled, "that was probably some kind of memory relapse thing."

"You mean like the new Beckett has possessed the old Beckett's body and occasionally, the old Beckett breaks through the surface and tries to communicate?"

Beckett paused for a while and simply stared at Castle with a straight face.

"Sure." she said as she walked away.

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"So since we decided to actually look into the big secret you've been hiding, I was thinking," Castle said across the table from Beckett as they ate lunch.

"Really? That's a first for you," she looked up from the book she was reading and smirked at him.

"Ha-Ha. No. I was thinking about the 'Old Beckett.' What if there _was_ some way to actually delve back into your past and find out what you were up to. First thing that came to mind when I thought of this was your cell phone! We just need to go through your call history, right?" he said quickly.

"Well, yeah. But we already did that and it got us nowhere. Remember? So, not right, wrong," she raised her eyebrows at him and continued reading.

"Exactly! You, being a homicide detective, know how to cover your tracks a little better than we thought. Obviously, you're not going to use your own cell phone to contact whoever it is you were in touch with when you were on that bus. What's the next best thing? A computer! A laptop specifically. My laptop," he shrugged like everything he was saying should make perfect sense.

"Why _your_ laptop?" she said sceptically without looking up from her book.

"Exactly!" he said again.

"Wait, what?" this time she did look up from her book.

"It makes no sense at all for you to use my laptop right? So that's probably what you did to cover your tracks!" he began raising his voice in excitement.

"Why wouldn't I just use a computer at the Precinct? That way there's zero chance of you going through the history on your laptop and finding out what I was up to…" she casually flipped a page in her book.

Castle opened his mouth to argue but couldn't find what to say. He looked around briefly before frowning.

"Grab your coat, we're going to the Precinct!" he half yelled with excitement.

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Castle escorted Beckett into the Precinct elevator and pushed the button for their floor.

"What's wrong? You look mad," he said.

"Well…" she said with a straight face, "You didn't let me finish my lunch before whisking me away to the Precinct to look at my browser history which is probably going to be a dead end anyway," she finished with a small unimpressed pout.

"Okay, I will buy you a snack on the way home," he said with a small eye roll. She gave him a small smile.

As they walked through the bullpen, they were greeted by Ryan and Esposito, sitting by the murder board discussing their new case.

"He-e-y Beckett!" Ryan said with a warm smile, "Little late for work, aren't we?"

"Actually boys, we're here for a little case of our own," he said slyly.

"Oh yeah?" Javi narrowed his eyes at Castle in confusion. Beckett was too busy examining all the details of the murder board.

"We needa hack into Beckett's computer and check out her browser history for all her hidden secrets," Castle brought his two hands together in front of his face as he spoke.

"Hack? Castle, really? I know my own password," Beckett quickly snapped back into reality and sat down in front of her computer, "Whoa. Someone been messing with my chair?" she wheeled herself backwards so the boys could observe her feet hanging above the ground.

Ryan cleared his throat and turned around quickly, earning himself a suspicious glare from Beckett.

"Okay so, how far back are we going into my history?" she looked at Castle, waiting for a specific time period.

"Why don't we try, roughly 2 to 3 months ago?"

The four crowded around the computer waiting for something to pop up.

"Wait, back up," Ryan said, pointing at one of the search results, "does that say Craigslist?"

"Well click on it!" Espo added.

Beckett took her hand off the mouse and looked at the boys with a straight face and raised eyebrows. She nodded towards the murder board.

"Yeah we should probably, uh, get back to the...case," Ryan grabbed Espo's arm and scooted towards the murder board.

"Alright Castle, you ready for this," she said before hovering the pointer over the craigslist link.

"I'm not sure," he frowned and put his hand over Beckett's on the mouse, "You kept this from all of us for a reason. So it mustve been big."

Beckett looked him dead in the eye before turning back to her monitor screen and clicking the link.

"Bail enforcement agents and fugitive recovery agents?" Castle questioned.

"I was looking for a bounty hunter?" Beckett said, attracting the attention of Ryan and Javi.

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**A/N:** This story is still following the plan I wrote for it when I started this story over a year ago. I'm not sure how I feel about where it's going and the flow etc.  
Hope you enjoyed it and thanks for reading!


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